One thing we tend to forget but that we should all be aware of is that every single one of us has baggage. Some girls come with a tiny carry-on of fetishes and minor fears while others drag around oversize, fragile loads of rejection, bad dates and terrible experiences. But no matter the size of the baggage, we all have it and it will affect the way we are in new relationships.
But this is not necessarily a bad thing. It’s just what it means to be human. Another fabulous part of human nature is our curiosity about other people and their baggage. When starting a new relationship it can be tempting to want to find out everything about a woman’s past. However, there are bad ways to do this, good ways to do this and reasons to maybe not even do it at all.
Why Troll When You Can Talk?
Twitter, Facebook, Google or OkCupid can lead you into a warp hole ripe for trolling her past. Digging deep into old photos and posts lends itself to a world of questions that will leave your brain exhausted and haunted. When you are first starting off in a new relationship it is always tempting to check that person out fully through their online presence instead of just asking things straight up that maybe aren’t appropriate to ask early in the game.
Getting to know her online personality may give you clues about her past relationships, reasons for leaving her partners or things (or people) she may have done, but if you aren’t comfortable asking these questions to her face, then you probably shouldn’t be asking them of her Facebook page.
Why troll when you can talk? If you want to ask something, ask it, but think hard about that question first. Would you be comfortable if she asked you the same question? Is it an appropriate question to ask this early on? Why do you want to know the answer? Is your reason fueled by genuine curiosity or jealousy? Prying too hard too early can make you come off as controlling or needy. Past relationships (the baggage) do not always dictate how she will act in her current relationship. Put out feelers and offer up information about yourself too. Conversations about past sexual affairs should be shared, not one-sided. Tit for tat makes everyone more comfortable.
Why She Might Reveal Too Much (And How To Deal)
Sometimes, however, the tit-for-tat game may be foiled if the girl you are seeing reveals too much too quickly. There are many reasons she might be doing this: She’s looking to make you jealous, she’s trying to get you to talk about your past, she wants to see what you are into when it comes to sex or she may just not see oversharing as a big deal. I’m one of those girls who thinks that it’s perfectly OK to talk about past boyfriends and adventures because that is just a part of life. But some girls may use oversharing as a tactic to drag more out of you. She could be testing you, trying to generate a reaction and see where your feelings for her are. This is semi-manipulative, but in the beginning stages of dating, people play games.
Using examples of things from her past bedroom escapades may be her way of letting you know the kind of things she is into and she may be trying to see if you are into those things, too. It’s not easy to lay all your fetishes out on the table because they may get rejected. Take her coyness as a sign and really try to read between the lines. If you are intrigued by what she is talking about, press on. You never know where it could lead.
If you are dealing with a girl who reveals too much too quickly, remember that nothing makes a girl feel worse than a reaction like “Why are you telling me this?” Don’t stop the conversation short. It will make her feel stupid and awkward. Instead, manipulate the conversation in another direction and move away from the subject. If she does it again, maybe you are on two different pages and you might want to assess if this is truly a good match. Communication is key. The beginning of a relationship should be the best part, the honeymoon phase, so if you are not having fun, it may not be right.
Don’t Ask Questions You Don’t Want To Hear The Answers To
As tempting as it is to ask a woman right off the bat about how many people she has slept with or why her last relationship ended or the crazy things she did in her youth, dating is not a job interview (sorry, Mr. Seinfeld). Sometimes it’s best not to pry too deeply too quickly. You need to decide what is best for you and your baggage when it comes to how much you want to know about a girl’s past when you first start dating.
Things should be uncovered naturally, so trolling deep into cyber world for clues about her past or asking her straight up how many people she has slept with is fine if you really want to know the answers to these questions, but, realistically, most of us do not. What’s the point? New relationships are new beginnings, and the details of our baggage will come out eventually. As partners, you will deal with it step by step. Don’t ruin the fun early by playing detective if you know you don’t have the wherewithal to be Dick Tracy.