A Gentleman’s Guide To Hooking Up

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Sometimes sex is just sex. Not about hearts and flowers but about connecting right there, that minute, with someone with whom you share an attraction. Many of us have been in that scenario, and it can be incredibly fun. Still, there’s always been a certain negativity attached to the booty call and the one night stand.

That negativity is not only unfair, it’s unnecessary. Not every sexual encounter has to be about happily ever after. Sometimes, it can just be about having no-strings-attached fun. The key, though, is being respectful. If you are going to be “naughty,” be a naughty gentleman.

“I’ve always said there’s a difference between a player and a playboy. Players have to lie to get what they want. A playboy can get what he wants with the truth. There is nothing wrong with explaining to a woman that you are very attracted to them and you want to show them a great time,” says dating and relationship expert Steve Ward of Master Matchmakers. “Women would rather be told the truth than to be patronized. Sure, there’s a chance that she may be holding out hope that she’s the one who can settle you down. There’s also a chance she may summarily dismiss you. But she could also be up for an adventure with a guy she feels she can trust,” says Ward.

So, if you want to have your hookup, go for it. Just treat her fairly and honestly. “Not all women want to be in relationships either so you’re better off making no assumptions than making the wrong assumptions. Honesty, no matter how difficult or uncomfortable it may be, usually prevails,” says Ward.

Opt out of that last drink
Yes, drunk sex is one of those things that sounds fun in theory, but is actually a sloppy, messy disaster. Sure those last few shots seemed like a good idea, and now you’re uber confident and super loose, but those Jaeger bombs are going to hit you where it hurts: Right in the genitals. “Whiskey dick is real, ladies and gents! And even if the equipment is working, there’s no guarantee that you will be able to hit the right spots, keep the rhythm or ward off the spins when you switch from doggie style to cowgirl position,” says Dr. Emily Morse, sexologist and host of Sex with Emily . Also, how likely are you to remember to use a condom when you can barely remember your room number? Exactly.

Stop associating sleazy with effective
“There’s a stereotype that the sleazy, creepy player is the guy who gets girls, but I see this type of guy when I’m out, and his approach simply doesn’t work,” says executive dating and relationship coach Todd Valentine. Trust is an important component when it comes to taking a girl home. The girl has to trust you, and sometimes, even more crucial, the girl’s friends have to trust you. So don’t walk up to a girl, spouting pickup lines; be real and be you.

Maintain your cool
She is evaluating your potential the minute your eyes meet and “eager beaver can be the collapse of a dam,” says writer Harold Williams, Jr. Too much emphasis on sex in the conversation can take you from 0 to creepy in the matter of one sentence. Also, comfortable is key: The more comfortable in the situation you are, the more comfortable she will be. “If someone makes a dirty joke or a witty ‘That’s what she/he said’ pops up, don’t be afraid to laugh about it and use that to break the ice. Remember to maintain balance and don’t overdo it, says Williams.

Avoid obvious red flag phases
The cliché, “Do you want to come upstairs for a cup of coffee?” exists for a reason. As soon as you start throwing “my place” or “have sex” into the conversation, the interaction is going to come to a halt — even if she is already at the point where she wants to have sex, too. “The transition from date, or being out, to sex should be as smooth as going down a slide,” says Valentine. Many women fear being judged for having casual sex, so the key is make sure not to do anything to lead her to feel judged or slutty. “Later she can tell her friends, ‘Oh, it just happened.’ Or she can say you two had ‘coffee,’” says Valentine.

Take the lead
This doesn’t mean to be pushy or force getting physical. But you also can’t sit around and just wait for things to happen, either. “Take a girl’s hand and tell her where you’re going or what you’re about to do. This way, you’re the one initiating things, so the girl won’t feel slutty, but you’re also positioning yourself as the type of guy who feels entitled to take the lead (and that’s attractive),” says Valentine. Of course, if she resists your attempts at physically escalating, back off. Remember, sleazy isn’t effective.

Remove evidence of other girls
This hookup may not be a love connection for either one of you, but don’t make her feel like a notch on your belt, either. That means if you invite her back to your apartment or hotel room, make sure there’s no makeup, panties, toothbrushes, or stray hairs of other girls sitting around, says Brian Sloan, CEO of a of sex toys company, Very Intelligent Ecommerce. “She knows she isn’t the only one, but you don’t need to shove it in her face,” says Sloan.

Be patient
A surefire way to seem like a creep is to rush her into sleeping with you, says Valentine. Let her take her time — she won’t feel forced into sex, and you’ll receive far less pushback. If she goes at her own pace, you won’t have to convince her to go home with you; she’ll already have decided for herself.

Make it an experience
Sex should be fun — and that includes everything leading up to it and after it. When she remembers her night with you, it should be an adventure. You did karaoke at three A.M. or got caught making out in the park and ran from the cops. “If you create an interaction that’s fun, you and the girl have had a memorable shared experience, and she won’t feel like just another notch in your belt,” says Valentine.

Make an emotional connection
“I know this might sound crazy, but get to know the girl. And let her get to know you,” says Valentine. If she tells her friends about you the next day and all she can remember is you tugging off her dress, she’s going to feel used, says Valentine. Share intimate details about your life and invite her to do the same. “A female friend told me once that even if she knows she’s about to have a one-night stand, she doesn’t want to feel like she is. She wants to believe, in that moment, there’s realness,” says Valentine.

Be a gentleman, says Sloan. “No one enjoys the feeling of being used. A hookup, if you wish to be a gentleman, should take her feelings into account! Plus treating her right will guarantee she returns another night!” Sloan says.

1 COMMENT

  1. […] Let’s face it: the aim of the dating game is to find someone you want to see again. If the date’s going well and all her answers have indicated compatibility and mutual interest, why not lock in a second date? Of course, depending on what you’re both looking for and how much chemistry has been sizzling between you, a more fitting final question might be, “Your place or mine?” […]

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